Sunday, September 26, 2010


when it comes to pain there really is no way around it. unless you have no pain at all. lol . otherwise pain pretty much comes on 2 lvls psychologically or physically. personally i think that the first one is alot worse on urself. when something hurts your brain its the worst cause thats something you will think about the rest of you life. when losing a friend i think thats the worst type of pain you can possibly have and it really does hurt. my friend lost his really good friend to suicide during this past week. he called me the morning after and i could feel the anguish that was in his heart. i know what its like to lose someone close to you i have lost many close to me and i still am sad over those people. this type of pain stays in your heart pretty much forever and i know that it sounds like alot but there is silver lineing to all of this so listen closely. you have to use your memories. think about all the best things u had with that person the best even the worst and hold them very close to your heart. the wont ever go away but at least when u do this u will always have the good memories of them. that is what u should keep about this person. it will help u in the long run that when u get sad and think about this person automatically u will also think about all the amazing things u did with this person. so all and all keep the things u cherish most as close to your heart as u can, because one day u might meet them again and the second u see them ull know exactly what to talk about.

"memories are the souls of sinners"

Sunday, February 28, 2010


sometimes things don't plan out the way you always want them to and if you notice at times it can be the simplest things like timing. sometimes when you want something good to happen you maybe will plan shit out or make sure you know what your doing ... pretty much anything to make your good thing happen. well i just wanna note that its hard as fuck. i am always fucked by timing there are so many things in my life where i did something to early or i acted to late and it really suck. solution make sure you make up your mind. make sure you know what you want. i know that's so hard to say cause i too never know what i want. and now that this whole timing thing keeps fucking up my life. it has been ruining my chances to be happy. my friend told me that he was talking to this girl and she mentioned how they could have been dating but at the time he was hung up on his ex and did not know what to do. and now he is so lonely and upset and he sits in his room and wishes he could sit and be sad but have a girl friend he can go talk to. worst part is he knows they could have dated and it could have worked. he looks back and thinks why did i do what i did and he knows he made the wrong decision he knows what he should have done. but then he snaps back into reality and realizes that it can never happen. and to me that the worst part about it all knowing that it was right there in your fingertips a chance to be happy and you let it slip away. it one of the worst feelings i get knowing that if i had just done one little thing different i could be happy right now. but in life sometimes things are made for a reason because they are supposed to happen and then there is my other theory that even though they say we have a destiny when we are born i think our destiny changes with the stupid shit we do. when we do something wrongs it just steers us away from our destiny. that's really what it is when you look at it its we have this destiny and when we do things wrong we get further from it and when we do something right it puts where we are supposed to be going it puts us in the right direction.

" so all in all i think that we need to be vigilant and see whats coming at us and make sure we are ready for it cause in the end your the only one whose getting hurt by a wrong decision "

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

what to do with love

love what a fucked up idea i mean i understand it and i know how it comes and goes but like then when it comes down to what is really supposed to happen nothing u prepare for ever works its sucks. i think that sometimes love is just not for me and thats even worse because i think i have a big a heart, a heart that is capable of such love. there was a girl i thought that i could love but she said she could not open her heart not just to me but anyone. she said that being with someone would make her hurt more and that she was just going to give up. idk that girl has been long passed after countless hours of trying to undersatand she threw me away like it was nothing like my love ment nothing to her i dont get it what i have to do to make love come to me i know its something that come naturally but fuck that i want to be happy this is the most unfair situation no matter what i do if i wait for a long time i suffer and feel alone and if i try my luck i get shot down and hurt even more so therer is no sensable solution to any of it ... but light at the end of the tunnel for readers its only me maybe there are other but rele whats happening is all on my i fucked up one to many times lost the love of my life and now im fucked for the rest of it but to everyone else i think that u should never give up on love it is the strongest trhing u will ever share with someone and it lasts with u forever. i think that most of us today should realize that not everyone is destined for no love i mean i know this shit is happening to me is bad but im gonna keep on keeping on only cause i know one day things will turn for the better one day u will be ok one day we will all be ok

"with out pain there can be no love"

Monday, October 12, 2009

secret watch

the mind is crazy place sometimes the people that own it don't even no what going on up there and it can be a little overwhelming sometimes. people come and go but some u cant let get to u. i no u were in a good portion of my life and they were some really happy times u say i don't love u but i do just not in the way u want me too. i do love now as a friend and I'm sorry my emotions got the best of me when we were together and i felt that if i stayed where i was it was almost like a false sense of togetherness. ah fuck u have no idea what i mean ull prolly never read this the one person that does it a really funny lil girl who loves reading my blogs because maybe they sometimes have things in there that she can relate to who knows i mean i wont ask her nor tell u who she is but she knows. and here is one for her maybe it'll help. don't let emotions run ur life. there is this funny anime i watch where these beings called the soul reapers are people of protecting other from chaos that is too great. and they say that if u let emotion go anywhere near whats in ur heart then that goal itself can never be reached. i mean really think bout that one u could watch over someone all ur life and pretty much be their protector and one day let them go because of sheer emotion and the next thing u know life comes and takes them and literally fucks with their head so much that they need to lie and just be plain weird to make sense of all things that comes near them, and trust me that burden on ur heart is something none want to see. i also sit here with a sense of justice on my mind i recently have friends many friends going into new relationships really good friends and alls i want is whats best there is one girl i know that even tho we have not been friends long it feels like a fucking eternity of friendship. shes got a new boyfriend and shes says it feels weird and i let her know for the first time that i have been watching over her ever since this one special night we had together where she actually heard me cry not many people have and she got me threw it and from that day on i vowed to myself to never have to let her to that to me, to never have to hear or see her tars never. i want whats best for her and if that secretly means watching over her then so be it that's fine by my i just want her to know that there is an extra set of eyes now watching everything this new person does a lil drastic i know but that goes for many of my friends i watch over them all the time in the secrecy of the shadows they never no how i help but i know and it helps keep my heart at ease i know i let the person that has prolly loved me the most thus far go but it was out of justice for whats best for her i couldn't cut it trust me i was making her spiral and its fine for me not to be with her but ill watch her from afar its all good but ya so i now sit with my watchful eyes looking for those who will cause harm to that of which i protect and u no what i live for it.

"dream about what you want out of life and use your inner power to make those dreams come true"

Monday, August 31, 2009

New beginnings

To begin something knew sometimes is very difficult like a new sport or maybe driving a new car or even move to a new place. It also can be scary as well if your moving to a new place then your gonna meet new people and see some thingd that are very different from what your used to seeing. But i guess what i am trying to say is that sometimes u have to be strong and have some faith that you'll take it head on and conquer it ... conquer it all

"Ride out into the sunset with me for tomorrow you will show fear that your are a warrior"

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

do u ever think about it

do u ever think about it cause i do i mean death is a scary thing well wait maybe not i mean i am not afraid of it i mean its scary to me i think only because i hope when i die i will have had a filling life u know like did i treat my kids right did they hate me did i do all the things i thought were necessary like marry a beautiful woman have a couple of awesome kids and let them be who they wanna be that sounds cool i mean but the thought of death nah i am not scared cause everyone does it its part of life i mean some live longer than others and i hate that the people who deserve to live long and have a future don't get to the get cut down and for what, nothing cause god has a plan well i dont like that plan i watched my friend get hit by a truck and get tossed only to go over to him and watch him bleed to death at the age of 13 and why, why is that fair i mean my life like suked then and i mean i would rather it have been me he would have done better with his life but i mean it does teach me that i have to be more for him to be more only because he couldn't

"to live is a huge adventure but to die is an even bigger one" - by a wise boy named Peter Pan

Monday, May 11, 2009

where we are

they call u the divinchi of our time what do u have to say to that? stupid i am not a painter ... what do u say to your other nickname the merchant of death? ehh that ones not that bad lol some say that 18 is the best age to be yourself but as i am slowly nearing it i feel like thats bull i mean we have to worry about so much, if u have a car u have to worry about insurance and gas, if your going away for college maybe living in a new place making new friends dealing with a whole new look of things, being used the same stuff everyday makes everything feel nice u know. i never have to worry about anything changing and if it does i know how to make it better. but the thing that i think is weird is i like it like this everyone says wow your not going away "my first chance out of this place i took" i wanted to stay here i like the same old stuff u know the same girl to come home to everyday the same friend that will be gone in not to long I'm gonna miss it i no i am going to college to make new friends and start my future and i know i have the summer to live my last few months of crazy shit out but its ending and i no its long but not that long. it just sucks new people to look at new teachers different classes and a different setting than my same old bosco buddies i no it will be tough and it does really suck i dont want it to END!!!

"where is the end is it there, how bout over there, wait what am i saying where is the door that says never ending happiness?"